A ROSE BY ANOTHER NAME

We admit it. We hate our name, Billy DeWayne Wheeler. The name conjures up visions of trailer parks, long neck beers, and women with tattoos. OK, in deference to our mother, we do have a certain populist pride in the name, a lifetime of admonishing smirking teachers, government clerks, and CEO receptionists, “It’s not William. It’s Billy. It’s Southern.” Why do parents do this to their children? Is it the drug hangover from childbirth, revenge for the discomfort of pregnancy, or a parental statement that their child is special?

We are, after all, the most staunch defenders of parental rights, but when does the exercise of the first amendment cross over into child abuse? Here we have a the sad story of a New Jersey child who almost didn’t have a birthday cake because the local bakery refused to adorn his cake with the greeting “ Happy Birthday, Adolph Hitler”. That’s right little Adolph’s jerk of a father, whose own parents lovingly gave him the very proper Scottish name of Heath Campbell, decided to sentence his own child to a lifetime of abuse and derision, while creating a living, breathing hate crime. And as if dooming one child to 20 years of therapy wasn’t enough, white supremacist wannabe Campbell also named his two other children, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler. (It‘s Himmler, you dufus) In a happy ending,frosted in delicious political satire, three year old Adolph’s mom got his cake at the same place she did the previous two years….Wal-Mart.

And to remind you that we are in the middle on almost all issues, here’s a piece on unique Africa-American children’s names. Our own children’s names? That would be Winston Wycliffe Wheeler (Wink) and Wellesley Windover Wheeler (Windy). Today, we have grown accustomed to our name and now tell people, “It’s Barack, not Barry, and it’s Billy, not William.”

IS THE MONROE DOCTRINE DEAD?

We realize it’s the holiday season and, like Auntie Mame, we need a little Christmas right now, but could we get our press to focus for just one moment on things that matter. We are like the man dying of thirst in the desert, as we channel surf through the news looking for reports of real news. While we can find plenty of reports on little Caylee Anthony, Madonna’s divorce settlement, and a shoe throwing Iraqi newsman, we have not been able to find anyone interested on the fact that the Monroe Doctrine has been abandoned by our President and President-Elect.

For those of your deprived of an elementary school education, the Monroe Doctrine is a nearly 200 year old US foreign policy position that the US will not allow any interference in this hemisphere by foreign powers from outside this hemisphere. For the past few months, Russia has been thumbing it’s nose at our lame duck President and his appeasement minded successor. A glimpse at our sidebar reveals a link to the very under reported story that Russia intends to send warships to visit Cuba, a mere 90 miles off our shores. We realize that the world is shrinking and that we can’t hide from the rest of the world, but just because we live in a zero lot line home, we don’t have to let the neighbors pee through our window (and, no, we didn’t forget the “r”).

While we appreciate the attention being given the current financial crisis, we still believe that the defense of our shores is a major function of the federal government. So would one of you guys who is lucky enough to have a job as our elected official, do something about the thugs in out backyard?